i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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