He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
