I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
