I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
