last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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