I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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