please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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