Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
