just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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