mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
