I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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