Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
