She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
