the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
