Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
