listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
