she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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