I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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