Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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