nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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