Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
