No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
