So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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