mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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