I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
