I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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