The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
