When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
