Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
