Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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