remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
