so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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