Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
