I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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