My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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