he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just pee around me
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
