I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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