I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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