i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
