My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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