do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
