I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
