If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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