I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
