I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Randomize
