i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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