Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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