His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
