Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
