just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
