Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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