You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
